Dear Mr Bolton,

I am an amateur historian and associated with the West Australian museum performing taxidermic work there. During my studies regarding the early settlements of this beaut State, I have come into possession of a startling map indicating that some of Willem de Vlamingh's lost Dutch Treasure is buried somewhere on your Osborne Park property. It would take me only a month or two to get the bobcats and trucks in, uncover the references and decipher the symbols on this antique map. However there is the possibility that this might entail the bulldozing of your backyard fence, parts of your laundry, sections of your garden and the destruction of your front wall. If you were to let me and my digging crew inhabit your graceful quarters during this period, we could then thrash out a non-discriminatory split if and when the treasure is found after a correct evaluation of its worth. My crew comprise fourteen men and their wives plus assorted pets. Please let me know what your thoughts are on this matter at the nearest possible convenience as I am itching to begin my work.

Yours faithfully,
Gary "Gazza" Simpson